How to be a Good Writer, Part 6

A good writer knows the rules, folks. It’s just that simple. In the interest of serving my fellow man through the broadcast of useful knowledge, I’ve decided that this week will focus on a rule you probably don’t know about. Well, several, in fact. It’s all interrelated. Like Deliverance.

Here’s a rule that’s not in the style guide I have, but one I cannot overstress the importance of nevertheless: Never ever use exclamation marks in your narrative. If you find yourself doing this, you’re probably ignorant of another rule: the cardinal sin of telling and not showing. In other words, you’re using the narrative to communicate the story, when you should be using dialogue to do it. If your story is being told, there’s little dialogue because it’s all narrative. If it’s being shown, it has lots of dialogue, like a movie. But this week's writerly bit is about exclamation marks, so here's an example of when not to use them.

The car came around the corner so quickly that it came up on two wheels!

Okay, there are lots of problems with this bit, not the least of which is that when I look at it I want to add OMG to the end of it, or some other texting-based rot. Have I mentioned how I feel about smartphones? Anyway another problem is that the word came is in there twice. That’s another thing to watch out for, and don’t just right click>synonyms to fix it. Rewrite it with your brain, not Word tools. The above example is an amateurish sentence made far worse by the exclamation mark. If you're adding excitement or tension with punctuation, you've got problems. A writer's spice rack includes not just punctuation but also words, whole phrases...and the insight required to make good use of all of them. It's safe to say that exclamation marks are only for dialogue or something not strictly narrative, like when a character notices a sign that says:

Don’t pee in our pool!

The narrator isn’t saying it, and neither is the character. It’s speaking from inside the world of the book; therefore the flamboyant punctuation is apropos.

Let me give you an example of a far better way to communicate urgency and danger in the bit about the car:

“Slow down,” Jimmy said.

John sped up, however, though the corner was fast approaching.

“Dude, slow down!”

“Shut up,” John said, “I know what I’m doing.” As he yanked the wheel, the car skidded off the shoulder and grabbed, popping it up on two wheels.

Okay that’s a pretty basic version, but I think you get the idea. I’ll leave it to you to decide if the exclamation mark killed everyone or not.

Review of Airel by Reviews By Molly

Check out the latest review for Airel. This is one of the best reviews I've ever read for any book anywhere. Amazing. Thanks to Molly.

The Insidious Lie that is Hobby Lobby

I had heard vaguely of this new box store called Hobby Lobby. In my mind I had conjured up mystical greatnesses about it. I called to mind all the great times I used to have as a kid going to hobby stores looking at all the cool model cars, the ships with full rigging, the fighter jets, the radio controlled dune buggies, the flying model airplanes, the rockets. All of it. And one day recently I got my boys all jazzed up to head on over to Hobby Lobby to go get a heady dose of manly creativity.

So on one errand-running outing we decided to finish up our day with a stop at Hobby Lobby, to which I had never been in my whole life. Imagine my surprise.

I walked into the store to see aisle upon aisle of picture frames, baskets, fake flowers, and worst of all, endless shelves of nick-nacks. Or however you’re supposed to spell it. I don’t actually care; I could not in fact care any less. Frick.

I was ten feet inside the front doors, by the check-out registers. I stopped dead. And this is what I said:

“Well, this isn’t a hobby store. This…this is—this is just all chick hobbies!”

The ladies demurely manning the scanners, plus all the people waiting in line to buy their nick-nacks or whatever (100% females), all of them turned to look at me with haughty disdain. I swear to God, it’s getting so that there’s no place for a man to go and be safe in the world anymore. The truth of that old saw about whose world it is, is actually completely opposite: it’s not a man’s world. It’s a woman’s world. I wanted to run screaming from the building in horrified shock, arms waving over my head. But I didn’t, for the sake of the children.

We braved the picture frames and the fifteen thousand square feet of space dedicated to scrapbooking (“Dear God!” I hissed). We walked through millions of wreaths and fake floral arrangements; it was a horticulturist’s horror show; a nightmare. And then, there, like a beacon in blackest night, we beheld it: two lonely aisles, tucked away at the very back of the store, where masculinity was allowed to exist on a short leash.

There we found the rocket engines. There we found the ultra-cool model of Old Ironsides with all her rigging. There we found products with mythical names: Tamiya. Testors. Estes. And even some cheap-ass Lego knock-off. It was as oasis of testosterone; one could actually smell its potent power above the insidious menace of orange-raspberry potpourri. I stifled a shiver.

Well, when I say stifled…

Point is, we survived. We men are warriors. We will overcome. But this was like Hill 881 in Vietnam, 1967. It was the stuff of legend, where heroes were forged in the fires of Hell itself. We don’t talk about it anymore. But when we pass each other in the halls of our house, I nod knowingly to my sons, just a tick of the chin, and they nod back, eyes blazing with the momentary fire of comprehension for what we had endured together as males. The truth is, none of us can stifle a shiver, even now.

Guest Post: Is Writing a Privilege or Responsibility?

My first guest ever on my wee little blog is Evelyn LaFont. If you dig humor and vampires with a sprinkling of irreverence, you'll love her, as do I.

Writers have a pretty simple purpose in life—to entertain, educate and empower others. We can use words to create fiction or non-fiction in long or short form to accomplish these objectives. We can use tragedy, comedy and romance. We can use or disregard tropes and genres. We can experiment or play it safe. We can do whatever we want, as long as it entertains, educates or empowers.

But words are powerful things, and the ability to manipulate a reader’s intelligence or mood effectively while using them is an important one. Which makes me wonder—is writing a privilege, or a responsibility that should not be shirked?

In my freelance life, I educate consumers and I consider it a pretty important responsibility to do so. I don’t just do it because it helps me make my house payment every month (Hi HSBC!! It’s coming, I swear!) , I do it because consumers need access to educational resources that they can trust.

As a fiction writer, I’m all about the entertainment. Again, this is an area that I want to create an income from, but I think that showing the world some of your talent for free is a good idea and may help them decide to take a chance on your fiction.

That’s one of the reasons I created VampLure.com, an online fictional magazine that takes the point of view that vampires are real, datable and a little bit behind the times as far as women’s liberation is concerned. It’s a fun, humorous monthly e-zine that gives readers a glimpse into the world I created around my series and offers a form of free entertainment, something I love to provide.

In the end, it doesn’t really matter whether writers ‘owe’ it to readers to share their abilities or not, because chances are good you won’t be able to stop them from trying anyway. Which makes the ability to write a privilege that creates a compulsive need to share or, in short hand—a win/win situation.

Evelyn LaFont is an author and freelance writer with an addiction to Xanax and a predilection for snark. Her debut novella,The Vampire Relationship Guide, Volume 1: Meeting and Mating is a comedy about dating, sexing, and living with vampires and is available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Smashwords. She has also developed a monthly e-zine to accompany the series, which can be found at VampLure.com. 

Inception and a Bit About Stories

I saw Inception in theatres last year. I recently re-watched it on Blu-Ray because it is one of the most powerful stories I can remember having ever enjoyed. Much like The Prestige, it’s a movie that bears multiple viewings on the merits of its story. And by the way, good stories aren’t just in books—that’s why my company isn’t called C.P. White Publishing. Stories today come in all kinds of media, and Inception is an incredible example. That story just rips me apart.

Maybe it’s because DiCaprio plays a distant father. It’s not by his character’s choice that he’s been removed from his family, not directly. But as we discover near the climax, he can be blamed for it pretty squarely. The flaws of fatherhood are something that speak to me deeply, because I am one—a flawed father, that is.

Or maybe it’s because the story is about dreams, and we all have them; we wonder at the mysterious universal. The idea of a dream within a dream within a dream begs the question of what’s actually real, much like The Matrix did when it broke onto the scene years ago.

Maybe, though, the story of Inception affects me simply because I like stories that pose hard questions and then lead the audience or reader in a certain direction only far enough to allow us to make the final connections on our own. Inception does this masterfully, and I plan to watch it again, studying it so that I can learn more about how to craft a proper story.

So much has been done already at this point in human history; it’s difficult to innovate. Mary Shelley arguably invented the horror genre in the mid 19^th century with Frankenstein, but it’s difficult indeed for any of us to produce such literary shockwaves today. To use another example, just tune into pop radio and listen for a bit and see if you can identify a single song that is truly unique. It’s a tough time in creative media; everything looks or sounds almost identical. It seems we’re resigned by necessity to produce works that are similar to what’s already been done yet just different enough to be able to be called “new.”

Inception is a story that will be talked about for a long time to come. It is different in a sea of sameness. This is the kind of story writers, or creative artists of any kind, ought to study. Sure, it has familiar elements…betrayal, deception, the ubiquitous thuggish baddies that could have starred on the A-Team. But God, it’s a good movie…and a fantastic story. 

How to Be a Good Writer, Part 5

Investment: Scary. I’m not only talking about money. I’m talking about you. Your time. Effort. Sacrifice. That kind of investment—which, yes, can involve money but mostly involves guts.

A couple of questions: How much investment is enough? And in what does one invest? Allow me to argue in favor of you: Invest in yourself.

I have a dear friend who tells me that most entrepreneurs tend to underinvest not in their idea, their passion for it, or in doing the numbers, the research—but in themselves. That’s why most of us fail, at least once: we’re afraid to lay down the money on, let’s face it, the venture about which we know the most. Instead we invest in shaky Wall Street hedge funds, which really amount to Las Vegas East, if you get my meaning. Why would we do that? Why would we favor some idiot account manager in New York City over ourselves? Why do we depend on huge multinational slush funds to properly manage our retirement? Why not invest in the one business idea that actually has merit?

Full disclosure: I don’t have a 401(k) and never have (now we see the bias inherent). But I’m highly motivated to be a retirement hawk, if you will, and manage what I do have aggressively.

All this to say that if your project needs a little jump start to get going, and you have a little something tucked away somewhere, by God, wager it on your own enterprise. You’d do better than sending it off to be confiscated by Lenny-the-Wall-Street-con and his Mob boss in dark places, Uncle Sam. But I digress.

I’ve blown through my word count pretty much already this week. So I’ll leave you with this: Don’t be afraid to invest in yourself. This is what separates the careerists from the hobbyists.

Also, I’ll just go ahead and debut my Tips for Writers motif by popping one off right here: Never use the phrase, “but I digress.” If you do, your piece is already running off the rails and can only be salvaged by self-deprecating humor. Such things are only pulled off adequately by the consummately skilled.

Now, I know I promised a little bit here on mechanics and other boring stuff last week. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, I’ve run out of space. Aren’t you glad.

Review of Airel by Life in Review

Okay, this review takes the cake. Check it out here. And don't miss your chance to pick up Airel on Kindle this month for $4.99. It goes to print this fall. Book II in the Airel saga, Michael, is currently being dreamed up.