Guest Post: Karen Malena

When I was fifteen years old, I put pen to paper, writing what I thought was the saddest, most dramatic story of all time.  An avid reader, and lover of movies, an imagination to surpass all others, I just knew I could do it.  As my mother began reading the story, I did not see the response which I had imagined.  She proceeded to burst into laughter.  Not exactly what I was looking for.  As I slunk away, my tail between my legs, I threw the story out, and didn’t try again to write for many years.

My first e book, Son of Mine, was published a few weeks ago by Trestle Press.  Nothing could have prepared me for this amazing journey.

For the last ten years, I had seriously been forming a heartfelt story in my mind.  I had been through many ups and downs in my own life, and listened to countless stories from other people.

A writers group through my amazing church began to help each of us critique one another’s works.  I had encouragement from several people telling me my story was worthy.  So my year long quest with Son of Mine began.

It is a young adult novella about Aaron DeAngelis, a twenty year old twin, who grew up under the regime of his verbally abusive, alcoholic  father.  The family owns a prosperous landscaping business, which Aaron helps his father run.  Born with a stuttering problem, Aaron lives with insecurity and self-hatred.  His brother, Jeff, perfect in every way, is favored by their dad, but the love between the brothers is evident from the start.  A night of wild partying , out-of-control drinking,  and the many years of self-loathing, pushes Aaron to seriously contemplate suicide.   Aaron survives a terrible motorcycle accident, but is left with many questions.     A strange, old man that works at a local grocery store, speaks words of faith over Aaron, which may change his life.

Although my tale begins darkly, and on some very serious notes, it has moments of hope, and  faith.

Growing up Italian, has prepared me for many heartwarming moments.  I want my love of people and love of God to be evident in my writing.  I received my gift of compassion from my upbringing.

I have worked in the dental field since I was eighteen years old.  I love to listen to stories from the patients, learning their hopes and dreams.  I am a wife, mother, daughter and good friend.  Please take the time to check out Amazon or Barnes and Noble online stores to purchase my new book, Son of Mine.  It has brought some people to tears, made others think and feel deeply.  Even though it was geared for young adults, I find people my own age enjoying it.The book is available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble online stores.  

I want to kindly thank Chris White for allowing me to guest post on the C.P. White Media Blog.

Karen Malena

Guest Post: Ben Sobieck

Screw It: How a Crime Author Learned to Write Humor

by Benjamin Sobieck

I never thought I could write humor. I'm a crime fiction guy through and through. But along comes a publisher named Giovanni Gelati, of Trestle Press infamy, who offers the chance to do a collaboration with him on a short story.

The catch? Most of his other short story collaborations - although having a crime fiction bent - were humorous. You could call them, "crime fiction humor."

I remember thinking then, as I still do now, that writing humor has to be the most difficult genre to nail. The reader goes into the story expecting to not only be entertained, but also to laugh. There isn't a magic bullet with humor. My wife still doesn't "get" how The Simpsons is the least bit funny.

After letting this digest for a bit, I came up with a simple two-word solution:

"Screw it."

What that meant is that I wouldn't consider what other people thought was funny. The only thing that mattered is if I thought it was funny.

Not only did this relax my writing process, but it gave me a new way to vent my frustrations. The root of humor is tragedy, disappointment and anger. At the time of Giovanni's offering, I was still recovering from a kidney transplant, facing a mountain of medical debt. Writing humor gave me a way to cope with the situation. That's what makes the genre so valuable to writer and reader: It makes you feel better.

The result? A private detective named Maynard Soloman. He's profane, clueless and stuck in the 1930s, right down to his vocabulary. He was forced into retirement and got stiffed on medical bills. So he runs his own investigation business out of his dilapidated Winnebago RV. He's broke, pissed off and tired of wading through problem after problem. Just how I was feeling when I created him.

For shits and giggles, I threw him into a bunch of politically charged situations. Each short story addresses a different issue of the day. So far the topics have been the War on Drugs, Social Security and illegal immigration. It's all in the best satirical traditions, I'm not preaching a certain philosophy. I like using those issues as a backdrop for his cases.

And, man, is Maynard fun to write. Here's a bit from the newest installment, Maynard Soloman & The Job Nabbin' Illegal Immigrants. Maynard tries to order tacos at a drive-through, showing how removed he is from the times:

"I'll have six tacos," I say into the speaker. "I'm in a hurry, so no foolin' around back there. Just straight eggs in coffee, OK?"

Kids nowadays need a remindin' every now and then, see.

"Umm, we don't sell eggs in coffee. Just tacos," some voice on the other side of the speaker says.

"Now see here. Can't you understand proper English? Stop bein' a hard pill and make my gal-damn tacos," I say.

I thought kids were hip to my figure of speech. Eggs in coffee. That means smooth. Did people forget? Sometimes I feel like I'm on another planet.

"So you only want tacos then?" the voice says.

Why do I always have problems at drive-throughs? "Yes, you egg. Six. Gal. Damn. Tacos," I say.

"With two eggs?"

"No. You. Are. An. Egg. Egg means you're a crude, disrespectful person. Look it up," I say.

"Talk about the pot calling the kettle black," the voice says.

"Now what in the hell is that supposed to mean? I don't want a pot or a kettle. And don't burn my tacos black, egg," I say.

Twenty minutes and half a sawbuck later, I'm eatin' my tacos, curin' what ails me.

Or not. The doctors say I have a medical condition known as "chronic gut rot." It's gettin' worse every day. Makes me spit blood upstairs and downstairs, if you catch my drift. They say it'll put me in the boneyard if I don't watch my groceries.

It's tough for me to take 'em seriously. I have no money. I only have 180 pounds of piss and vinegar in a meat sack called Maynard Soloman. I'm countin' on that much to keep me out of the casket.
The reviews for the Maynard series have been overwhelmingly positive. I don't think that would've been the case had I tried harder to appeal to everyone. When you're having fun writing, the reader can tell.

So if you're looking to dip your toes into humor, remember: "Screw it."

-30-
Benjamin Sobieck is the author of the crime novel Cleansing Eden, the Maynard Soloman short story series and many flash fiction works. His website is crimefictionbook.com.

Random Challenge

Writing challenge!

Give me 500 coherent words that mention the following words or phrases:

Michael Jackson, a hippo on rollerblades, cream cheese frosting, a 1972 Chevy Impala, emotional duress, a case of mistaken identity, an enigmatic old hag.

I’m taking it up this week. Anyone else have a random post for the C.P. White Media Blog? Give me 500 words or less on any seven (or more) phrases. Send it in to cpwreviews (at) gmail (dot) com and stick Random Challenge in the subject line. Here we go with the main event.

Beware the cheese.

Once upon a time there was this idiot writer who did something stupid: he put his underwear on backward without noticing. And while this might not seem like that big of a wrinkle, so to speak, it’s still kinda funny to think about how small a thing it takes to upset the balance of the entire known universe.

Anyway, like I said, this idiot writer didn’t notice that he put his underwear on backward. It wasn’t exactly emotional duress, but it caused him enough mild discomfort to make him irritable. So as the day wore on, he went from mildly unjolly right on past abnormally irritable and straight to flaming cantankerousness. And it was going to be ugly, by God.

And it’s funny what set him off. He was innocently walking the aisles of his friendly neighborhood grocery megastore when the muzak system started playing that old wretched Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney duet about some really creepy love triangle. And while that might not, again, seem like that big of a wrinkle, you’ve gotta admit that it’s one of those songs that gets in between your ears and stays there festering for weeks, like a rotten cabbage. Long story short, it put him in a right rotten mood.

And who should pick that exact moment to call but his incompetent and lazy literary agent? Of course, it figures, and who doesn’t like a bit of deus ex machina before dinner? It’s entirely apropos. Plus he answered the call by the bakery, concentrating quite hard on the wrinkle in his shorts, the hateful song blaring from the store’s speakers (the saxophone version, naturally), and pressing the little green button. He missed the fact that the baker was rolling a huge cake out from the double doors behind him.

How crazy, then, that as soon as he hears his agent’s strident voice on the other end of the line, that he should do a violent about-face in cantankerous annoyance, knocking the cake off the cart in a beautifully executed half-gainer? It’s not a stretch at all. Our intrepid scribe fell over cart onto the cake just enough to besmear himself from head to toe in cream cheese frosting. It was unfortunate, too that the baker, wildly off balance and suffering from shock, fell on top of him whilst he was crouched and waving his arms madly. Our author ended up catching his balance basically in a puddle of cake and giving the baker a complimentary piggyback ride. The result looked like a hippo on rollerblades.

And who should appear from the cheese case then but an enigmatic old hag, calling out, “Bernice! Bernice!” It turned out she had a friend by that name. She was a rather large woman. It was only natural that she was confused, Bernice weighed fully five hundred pounds. It was an open and shut case of mistaken identity. But then, she thought the cake was a 1972 Chevy Impala. I guess that’s what made her enigmatic.

Guest Post: Charles E. Cox, Jr.

Authored by Charles E. Cox, Jr., Life Is A Business! Manage It Better So You’ll Enjoy It More is the first in Life Is A Business! book series. Demonstrating parallels between running a successful business and managing a successful life, this book profiles current Fortune 500 companies to showcase nine key principles that relate to and impact your personal life.

Considered a “Life Improvement” book, Life is a Business! is designed to appeal to everyday working class people who often struggle to manage their personal lives. These struggles can be overcome when recognizing that “life is a business” – life and business challenges are strikingly similar and nearly every life decision is a business decision.

The inspiration for the book didn’t come from my success—it came from my failure.

In my personal life, I didn’t adhere to a strict household budget or routinely balance my checkbook. I made poor purchasing decisions and kept sloppy accounting records. I didn’t spend time thinking about relationships with my family and friends. I just let my life go on without much planning or care-taking.

In business, I excelled. I amassed more than four million dollars in real estate. I lived in a gated community, invested in rental properties and bought whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it. It seemed like I was doing everything right. But in fact, I was doing everything wrong.

Unfortunately by the time I discovered I was doing it all wrong, it was too late. I systematically destroyed my business. I used my credit irresponsibly and continually made knee-jerk buying decisions. I had no real accounting system and the business grew at a rate that was unsustainable. I repeatedly made bad business decisions and as a result, bankrupted my corporation.

Once the dust settled—after the home in the gated community was gone, the cars repossessed, credit cards defaulted on, foreclosure on my rental properties, and bank account wiped out—I began to reflect on my actions. I asked myself over and over, “What did I do wrong?”

The answers came to me, but not overnight. In fact, it took years to examine both my personal and professional life to figure it all out. But clarity came one day in a single flash—like being hit in the head with a 90 mile an hour fast ball. I needed to manage my life like the business that it is.

How we run our lives mirrors how CEOs run businesses. We need to pay attention to financials, nurture relationships, and become good problem-solvers. We have to look to the future and plan for it. And we have to pay attention to the details—when we take care of the small things, the big things practically take care of themselves.

My life has changed and so can yours. I started managing my life towards prosperity and identified nine key principles that I’ve outlined in this book. It’s my hope that by sharing this information with you, you will develop a burning desire to manage your life for a better, more prosperous future too. It takes discipline but it isn’t difficult. You can live a full and rewarding life and experience towards the prosperity that awaits us all.

Managing Your Life Towards Prosperity Is Where…

You’ve realized that your Life Is A Business! and through the knowledge you received by reading this book, your thinking shifts in a manner where you’ve become more disciplined in your decision making and advocacy for yourself and your family. Ultimately you’ve become empowered to purposefully and actively navigate your life to prosperity.

Charles E. Cox, Jr. Is a native of Minnesota’s Twin Cities. He is an author, speaker, philanthropist and serial entrepreneur with a passion for helping people of all ages and race find their inner strength through financial stability, entrepreneurism and overall financial literacy. Charles believes that the combination of a solid education with a deep understanding and respect for the monetary impacts on life will help all people on their journey to prosperity. Charles’ entrepreneurial spirit has led him to spend the last fifteen years of his career seeking challenging opportunities in real estate investment and sales, development and venture capitalism. Charles has also managed careers in construction, as a licensed general contractor and electrician in the state of Minnesota.

Guest Post: Allan Leverone

The Dirty Little Secret about Writing Books

This is my first appearance on the C.P. White Media Blog, and I would like to thank Chris for allowing me to be here, potentially frightening off the group of readers he has worked so hard to build. Sorry, Chris, in advance. [you will pay later--ed.]

For me, guest blogging is a bit of a daunting experience. What do I write about? The fields in which I could be considered an “expert” are few. Maybe none, depending on how narrowly you define the word “expert.”

I like to try to tie my guest posts in to the owner of the blog in some way, so today I want to talk a little bit about a comment Chris made on Facebook the other day. A young lady had stated she would love to participate in NaNoWriMo—where the goal is to produce a fifty thousand word novel in thirty days—but just couldn’t find that much time to write in her busy day.

Chris’s response was that writers don’t “find” time, they make time.

That comment really stuck with me, because in my experience, it’s absolutely true. The process of writing a novel requires not just the ability to tell a coherent story, but also—and maybe especially—the self-discipline to sit your butt in a chair for hours at a time, weeks at a time, and work at it.

It’s almost like having a second job, at least if you expect to approach writing like a professional. And this is not a knock on the young lady who made the comment. Maybe she is too busy to write, but if that’s the case, then it simply means she doesn’t want to do it badly enough.

When people find out I write books, their response is often, “I should write a book, too,” as if doing so is as simple as saying it. As if doing so is as simple as sitting down and pounding it out.

And the fact of the matter is, it both is and is not that simple. You see, writing a book requires you to sit down and do it today. And again tomorrow. And again the next day, and the day after that, and so on. And then, when you’re done, you’ve really accomplished nothing yet, because the first draft of anything rarely makes much sense at all, except in the most general way.

After finishing the first draft comes revising and editing and cleaning and polishing until finally you might—you might—have a product worthy of showing anyone outside your immediate family.

It’s like trying to accomplish anything else worthwhile. Having the ability is necessary, but having the drive to see it through is just as important, if not more so. I’ve read studies that suggest upwards of ninety percent of the population believe they have a book inside them waiting to be written. Here’s the key question, though: What percentage has the ability to push themselves enough to see it through?

In most cases that book will stay no more than a pipe dream, because unless your name is Harlan Coben or Lisa Gardner or one of the couple of hundred authors fortunate enough to be writing novels full-time, your writing is going to be done after putting in a full day at work, after making dinner and folding laundry and paying the bills and playing with the kids and spending time with your spouse.

After all that, if you can still sit your butt in a chair and pound out your daily allotment of words, pushing yourself toward your goal of finishing a book, and if you can do that today and tomorrow and next week and next month, guess what, brother? If you can do that, you’re a writer.

I salute you. Welcome to the club.

Allan Leverone is a three-time Derringer Award finalist as well as a 2011 Pushcart Prize nominee. He is the author of the thriller, Final Vector and The Lonely Mile, as well as the novella, Darkness Falls. His paranormal suspense novel, Paskagankee, will be released soon by StoneGate Ink. [and it's friggin awesome! -- ed.]

Guest Post: Creatures of the Night That We Loved So Well

Most people that watched TV horror hosts think that they were just actors playing a part… they were so much more than that.

Two of Southern California’s horror hosts were hit with major lawsuits because of their shows, three started out their careers as live adult stage performers, two started Southern California yearly Halloween traditions that are still celebrated today, and one co-host who was totally unknown (not allowed to speak or show his face in 1976 always wearing a mask or disguise) is now a very famous singer/ musician/ comedian. One has even appeared  with Sylvester Stallone...in every ‘Rocky’ movie. These TV horror hosts created their characters and some even wrote their own scripts, entertaining and influencing an entire generation of baby-boomers.

So who are these people?

Twelve years of research and interviews led to the creation of Creatures of the Night That We Loved So Well. A true labor of love, this book fills in all of the informational gaps left hidden for so many decades. The book discloses new information about Vampira (1954-56), Dr. Diablo (1957), The Old Woman (1957-59), Jeepers (1962-63), Ghoulita (1963), Cosmosina (1963), Moona Lisa (1963-76), Jeepers’ Keeper (1963-65), The Creeper (1965-66), Sinister Seymour (1970-74), Arach and His Friend Nid (1974), Famous Morris (1975-77), Grimsley (1975-79) and of course, Elvira (1981-84). All of these great horror hosts were on local SoCal TV stations with local sponsors.

What makes them so great? Vampira, the very first horror host in television history, set the basic form that all TV horror hosts across the nation would follow. She developed the dark, twisted and humorous side of hosting a movie on television that had never been seen anywhere before. At times shocking, her television audience watched a very risqué show for 1954 television.

Ghoulita, in real life a beautiful actress and model, showed up at the Hollywood movie premiere of Cleopatra looking very beautiful from the neck down, but with Ghoulita makeup from the neck up. She was refused entrance to the premiere because she was not escorted by a male guest.

Jeepers was immortalized in a 45rpm record in 1963 with a then-unknown musician: Frank Zappa. The songs were Dear Jeepers and Letter From Jeepers.

Arach and His Friend Nid was cancelled after only four shows. Arach had made several jokes about the station managers.

Jeepers, Ghoulita and Jeepers’ Keeper influenced several people that grew up and entered the entertainment industry. Douglas McEwan grew up to be a writer, actor and comedian; and even was privileged to become close friends with and write scripts for Seymour. Mark Shepard grew up and made his own movies, including Dark Romances. Don Glut grew up and became a movie maker and writer, penning the novelization of Star Wars.

I’ve been very fortunate in the past twelve years to track down and interview a lot of these great people and get the inside story on how they became horror hosts, what they did before entering the horror genre and even get their real names. Some of these identities are revealed for the first time in Creatures of the Night That We Loved So Well.

You'll not only get to know the facts about the shows, but also the darker side of the Southern California television industry in interviews with some of the hosts and script writers. There are photos, scripts, ads and promos, lawsuit documents and head-to-head competition between hosts on rival stations. And don’t forget that without two of these hosts, the Knott’s Berry Farm Halloween Haunt and Magic Mountain’s Halloween Festival just might not exist today.

Creatures of the Night That We Loved So Well has been a labor of love for me, to honor the horror hosts of Southern California and to help keep their memory alive and well for those of us that were lucky enough to watch them...and for future generations that just don’t know how wonderful television used to be when local programming dominated the airwaves.

Jim Fetters can be reached on Facebook. He also has a Web site with more information. Buy his book here. --ed.


About the author: Jim Fetters grew up watching and recording TV horror host shows on a reel to reel tape recorder starting in 1962. Finding the tapes years later inspired him to start a Web site, which led to contact from directors, script writers, actors, and the creators of the programs he so enjoyed. He's written articles for and is webmonster for Scary Monsters Magazine. Jim now has two more books being published soon. Currently he lives in Boise, Idaho and spends his time writing and dreaming when he's not acquiring history of TV horror hosts and all things Horror / Sci-Fi.

Guest Post: Using Your Writing to Brand Yourself on the Web

Had I been writing this post just before last March it would have been shorter and would have gone along the lines of “Content is King, writers produce content, write something up and post it on the web, blah-blah, capish?”.  The reason you’re not getting the tried-and-tested formula for writers who need to ‘get’ SEO is because just last March Google went ahead and carried out the most comprehensive search algorithm update this century.

Code named Panda, this Google update drastically changed the way Google’s search engine evaluates websites and web content and it, arguably, has provided writers with the means to truly rise above the pack.

Let’s take things from the beginning though. Even a rudimentary web search will give you thousands of pages on the web all telling you that SEO is links, it is meta tags, it is on-page optimisation, it is off-page optimisation, it is keywords (and their density), it is social tagging and Press Releases. In truth SEO is all about that and has always been but its core, always, has been words. Search engines were born to index text, long before php became a dominant web language and AJAX programming made it difficult for them to follow links, and words are what they really love.

Functionality and programming on the Web evolved along several different paths, none of them particularly search-engine (or indeed word) friendly, and thus the SEO industry was born, intended to help the indexing process along (and to game it, where it could). As a result SEO became fragmented into hundreds of small, disciplinary steps and writers, usually, were left wondering whether writing could really help them succeed in this task.

The Panda update has somewhat restored the balance. What matters now is content that is unique and special: unique in that it is as original as possible and special in that it has the kind of zing that only a real writer can bring to writing. Taken at face value this is a proposition writers should leap at (and they really should) but as you might expect with search, things are not quite that simple.

Google’s emphasis on brands cuts right across the board affecting Websites small and large alike. Whether you are a one-man band or a large multi-national corporation the approach is the same and what Google wants to see in our case is you, the writer, running your Website like it’s a business your life depends upon. Given the fact that writers, frequently, complain of lack of time when it comes to marketing and use that to avoid the process, Google’s insistence might not be a bad thing.

Whatever the right or wrong of Google’s action may be it is justified by the end-result: Better results in search, less spam, more organic searches, more organic searchers and more satisfied end-users. All of this is great news for writers who have the potential to successfully use the Web and SEO their websites, provided they are now willing to do a three things consistently:

A. Write original, targeted content – This is not a case of “waking up, turning on the computer and writing”. This kind of content needs thinking time first because, as a writer, you will need to work out a strategy for it: what are you going to post, when, how often, how long will each post be and what will it be about. You will need to tackle it from the potential reader’s perspective because now you are actually looking to gain an audience which is really suited to your writing. If you are writing a novel about serial killers, for instance, your research on serial killer psychology and their obsessions is what you should be writing about (not the old, keyword-laden text of “serial-killer writer here, producing killer copy for serial-killer SEO rankings”.

B. Personalize your content – While you might be OK with knocking out 1,000 words on almost any subject under the sun, if your content now does not begin to bring out your personality as a writer, you are likely to have fewer takers than you really deserve.  You see, when it comes to quality content you are competing with thousands of brands (and their in-house teams of paid writers), tens of thousands of other writers and hundreds of thousands of bloggers. It is quite unlikely that you will consistently be able to produce impersonal, technically flawless writing that grips. Your only advantage here is to use what no other writer, blogger or brand has and that is you. Let your own quirky personality shine through in your writing and start to build the kind of following which is devoted to you and your writing.

C. Socialise your content – The best writing on the planet is worth nothing if it is not read. And writing which is read (and clicks with its audience) is usually shared. This is a big metric in Google’s current algorithm and it also happens to sit nicely with a writer’s need for followers, social interaction and the need to create a brand name for themselves. So do make sure that you produce the kind of writing which makes people react, talk about it and share it.

Do these three things, as a writer, and you will soon find that not only does your website begin to rise in its search rankings and you begin to get traffic but you also begin to create what every writer who wants to find an audience really needs: a brand.


David Amerland is the author of Amazon best seller SEO Help and other titles. --ed.